As you all were notified my birthday was last Tuesday. I decided to abandon my family get together and go on a night on the town; by myself. One of my dreams is to be in a long-term relationship. With this said, I heard about this great way to meet guys; speed dating. So, I put on my jeans and a sweatshirt and ventured to the Marriott Hotel to conquer my dream.
I want to introduce you to Albert. He was the first guy I met. Now, keep in mind I only had three minutes with him. I told him that I also had that Sam
e shirt he was wearing, but I save it for special occasions. Albert is a 31 year old full-time personal trainer. His first question for me was; "Can I pump you up?" I suddenly found myself lost in his eyes and his rather high forehead. I really wanted to call home and tell my parents that I think I found the "one". But before I could ask if it was boxer or briefs; the buzzer sounded. It was onto the next guy.The next guy that plopped down in front of me was named Billy Ray. When I first saw him, I thought it was love at first sight.
He couldn't remember when he last showered, but either way I enjoyed his extra strong cologne smell. Billy Ray is a part-time computer technician. He said he never has been on a date, so this way, he can say he dated 6 women in one night. I really couldn't contain myself so I gave him my number and told him to call me. I had to ask him boxer or brief, and he responded with "Thong on the weekends." It didn't matter to me, I mean everyone has their faults; right? Before our time was up, I asked him for his pocket protector and we went our separate ways. As much as I enjoyed our time together, he kept asking me if I was going to eat that sandwich in front of me.
I thought, hey third time has to be a charm. To my surprise, Jimmy Beam sat down grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't help but notice his sexy mullet. When we started talking, I became enchanted with everything about him. In the three minutes we talked, we somehow connected. Jimmy is 29 years old and has an obsession with Garfield and video games. He said when he grows up he wants to develop video games. In the meantime, he is a paperboy. A working man; just how I like it. Our three minutes was up before I knew it. I was hoping I would see him again.
As it started to get late, I just knew that Mr. Right was in the building. I didn't want to go home empty handed. So, as I put my hands in my face and sulked in my chair, this one gentleman caught me by surprise.
There was a crowd of people surrounding this one guy. I fought my way through the crowd, and was determined that it was my prince charming. Finally, standing right in front of me; there he was. I knew it. I just knew it! When I sat down in front of Buck, we just had this chemistry. Something felt so right between us. I quickly gave him my number and told him to use it. Buck is a very busy plumber and part-time male escort. Keep your hands off ladies!!! He's mine!!!
I try not to kiss on the first date, but this one; I just couldn't resist.
I was satisfied with my first speed dating night. I also couldn't wait for my date with all these fine looking men. So family tell me; Which one do you like best?? I do need your approval. And Cousin K, since were family; I am willing to give one up for you.
So, as you all could see, I have been rather busy lately. I know these guys are no Floyd's. But, maybe one of them is my Prince Charming. I tried dragging Gram our with me, but I knew she would take all my spotlight away. Well family, I appreciate your patience as my search for Mr. Right continues.
69 comments:
oh jnna!
what a post. I KNOW what personal resources it takes to share such private moments with the family. I salute you for your candor AND your courage.
that said, I'd have to vote for the plumber. There's a lot to be said for a man you can be "comfortable" with RIGHT from the get go!
Rock on with the new year resolutions ...
Could I have the guy with the mullet's digits? You see, I have this thing ...
I mean, who doesn't?
Come on now, admit it.
Oh, if only I were a "brokeback" cowboy... I'd be fightin ya tooth and nail.
Cousin K, I would be more than happy to give you Jimmy Beam's number. In fact, we talked about you the whole time!! So here is his number:
1-800-MULLET (Now, listen carefully to the choices as they have recently changed)
When it asks you what Mullet Man you would like to talk to dial: 2328343843547276192 (That's his extension).
And there ya go! But, try to keep that number for yourself. We don't want him running away on us!
Cousin Adam, Could ya please tell Amy that I need her vote! For some reason Gram voted for the Six Flags Darien Lake man.
is this a true story??????
my paper is due in 10 days and i only have a page out of the way. cant you guys help a brotha out. my teacher swamped me with work. i cant catch up.
randomly going through blog sites and I stumbled onto yours. what a great idea, just throwing situations out there and commenting. takes a lot of gumption to expose yourself to the world. you guys must have nothing to be afraid of. great cast of characters, bourbon swilling KDH, gramma sittin Jnna, brothers, sisters, students, this is a lot of fun. did not read it all of course, there is alot here, but I WILL COME BACK FOR MORE
Albany NY back to visit! Had yesterday off, did'nt you?
Hey I see the Jets hired a new coach? who are you guys gonna get? Knute Rockne HAHAHAHAHA
Jimmy!!! Of course this a non- fictional blog site. Us Holtz's only speak the truth!! Get back to your reading!
PS. How long is Unkie C and Auntie P gone for?? I wish I was invited on their trip.
after much reading I am now convinced that your blog is the seinfeld version, lot about nothin not to meant as an insult of course look how successful seinfeld was!
Jnna, absolutely hysterical!!! I'm not the "cowboy up" like Adam is, but I'd go for Albert. He just has that look about him. You know he's got that look.
Back to Holtzapalooza... 30 pack of Keystone on sale at Wilson Farms for $6.99. I'll go get a few cases.
Anonymous (Seinfeld), were just a family havin'fun. We're also planning for Holtzapalooza, so any ideas or help would be great. Can you bring a 30 pack?
Jimmy, so much material here that your missing. Just start plagiarizing. Come on, if Senetor Biden can do it. You can.
Albany anonymous; not Knute Rockne, Pop Warner has an interview tomorrow. Of course when Ralph knew him he was just "Kid" Warner.
plagarism saves lives, jimmy. Of course, its also gotten a few people in my office fired. So take that advice with a bit of caution.
When's the paper due, jimmy? How can we help? We could each write a quote about what the blog means to us, and you could insert them into the text. Quotes take up a lot of space!
as a future teacher, I am appalled that members of my family would condone, even entice, poor Jimmy into plagarism/cheating. Shame on you. SHAME!
Awesome job Jnna!!!
Ya know...tha's how I met Jff...
He was #3 on my speed date night! It works! It really works! They'll like you! They'll really like you!
I'm lovin KDH's new nickname..."bourbon swillin" it is!
Wonder what we should call some of the "not named or admitting it" males in the group!
I'm off for a Canadian while I think about that...
I agree Adam...as a former teacher, I am appalled that members of my family would condone, even entice, poor Jimmy into plagarism/cheating. Shame on you. SHAME!
See how it works Jimmy?
PLAGIARISM To Plage... geez, with an i
Jeffrey
i like kdhs brillent idea for each of you to give a quote. thanks for the help kdh. my paper is due on the 27th. can you guys email me at jimmyspeaks18@hotmail.com with your quotes. but no later then the 26th. tell me why this blog is important to you and what your family means to you.
with all these teachers in the house could you read my paper and grade it for me
or better yet could you do it for me
I love the Jimmy!!!
Homo!
i cant believe all the shout outs i am getting from your family website. i just checked my email and no quotes have made it to my box. i will be checking betsy
homo isn't capitalized, but Queer is.
Jimmy, if we do this, you have to promise to send Jnna your WHOLE paper so we can post it as a blog. Promise?
yes maam i will send my paper to jnna. it could be your blog on the 26th. I PROMISE.
your word is good enough for me, jmmy.
so here's what I love about the blog -- family is the kind of thing you love because you're supposed to -- you have a shared history, shared genes, shared experience. A lot of families stop there -- or don't even get that far. But the blog has helped to actually KNOW my family better -- beyond what you can get over xmas presents and turkey -- and expand upon those genes, those experiences and that history. And how much fun -- a sense of connection, a shared sense of humor and something that I know will make me laugh out loud at least once a day. That's why the blog just rocks.
Can I get a witness on that one?
holla, sista.
there jimmy, my bourbon swillin' sister's quote is worth at least 1 page. the quote and the analysis...
albany blog watcher here... Lunch time in the states capitol, and it is raining/snowing so no walk today, I will read about my favorite buffalo family.
so my friend tells me that he was at the bills front office the other day and there was this odor coming from the executive offices, he did not want to be rude because maybe buffalo just smells like that, so he asked one of the workers what that odor was??? ready, the worker replied mmmm the odor, DEPENDS..
get it, old men, front office, DEPENDS, the under garment. Now admit you are all laughing.
This was such a funny BLOG. The Marriot in Amherst did have a speed dating night last year, and I went, and I swear to god these were the type of guys that were there. Except that possibly there were more Star Trek fanatics. The "hunk" with the crochetted shirt on, I think went out with my friend, and he had food in his teeth. You really should put togother a night club act, you are very funny.
better food in his teeth than teeth in his food!
Even though I'd love to respond to the above postings (they are funny and need my reply), I must first take care of Jimmy and his paper.
THE JIMMY FUND
Ready Jimmy (tongue on pencil)... The first thing I do after returning home from work is click on the computer and go to our blog site. Now, you may question me and say I should probably greet my family with hugs and kisses at home first. I say to you... that can wait. The kids will always be upstairs watching Spongebob on TV. Sandra and I read the site together holding hands and staring into each others eyes (tough to do when your reading the updated postings). We laugh at everyone's sense of humor (even Adam's) and replies to the preceeding posts. Who would of thought that some of the blogs would feature some of our small furied animal friends.
Some people even surprise us a bit. I never knew Auntie P spent her formative college years "in a van down by the river". And who knew Adam was in Boston? Not me. Bhudist monk? Missionary work? Possibly.
Everyone here just makes me laugh (even Fargo). Now we have great times getting together for the holidays, but this is an extension to that and it just seems like we're not that far away from each other.
Hard to believe that ESPN has been replaced by this blog as Jff's main source of...well...everything!
OK Jimmy...do you REALLY think it's a hand holding world out there? Teenagers! In reality...we pretty much push and shove and try any means possible to be the one at the computer first to see the blog...Jff doesn't know this but I preset the TV on Spongebob BEFORE the kids come home so I can distract them immediately!
Not only is the blog great for laughs after a day of work, but it is a great way to keep in touch as one unit instead of phone calls and e-mails to individuals--because, after all, in case you haven't noticed, we all like to add our "two sense" to everything...or is that two cents??? Jill?
Also...we can include FARGO!
Well I have to concur with my cousins on the importance of the blog. You see Jimmy, we created this blog in memory of our Grandfather. A way for all of us to connect and update on what is going on in our lives. We have family in North Carolina, Boston, DC, and NY. Sometimes, it is hard to let everyone know what is going on. I know that Grandpa is in his glory.
Also, I know firsthand how Grandma feels about our blog. I can just imagine she waits by the phone to get a "blog update".
As far as learning new things; I never knew that Jeff and Sanda held hands, that KDH had a "thing" for mullets, etc.
So this blog brought us closer together. I never dreamed it would have been this successful.
So there you have it Jimmy!
Jff, why do you hate me so?
gee thanks guys for all the help. i wont let ya guys down. you will get the paper before the due date. and as good ole jeffrey would say i love the jeffrey. but i am not a queer or a homo. well i have to work on my paper.
I would like my family to know that I am supposed to alert my mother when a new post arises. Would anyone else like the notification?
LAST TIME I LEFT A COMMENT I WAS ACCOSTED BY FARGOFAN.IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME, I AM YOUR BUDDY FROM MICHIGAN. FARGO ARE YOU GOING TO PICK ON ME AGAIN
welcome back, michigan. We'l mediate and make sure that you and fargo play nice. Although I may have to intervene here between my aunt and her anger towards albany.
albany, if you want, you can shift over and make fun of my beloved red sox. everyone else does.
WHAT ABOUT THE RED SUX? CMON YOU CANT B SERIOUS? THEY CANT POSSIBLY BE YOUR BELOVED TEAM.
and good morning family! I'm down in Atlanta this week, and we're anticipating 66 degree weather today. Talk about a bonus!
jmmy, how's that paper doing? Jll, Adam, how's the "back to school" readjustment period? And jff, antie b, how's that work thing?
jnna, did any of the speed dating guys call?
good morning WNY from your Albany fan. required by union contract to have my break. it is sunny out but to cold to walk so I will read about my favorite buffalo family. OK all you bills fans, I will let go of the "old" humor, and focus on something you are all not so testy about. I will look at the Buffalo News Web Page for my material. OK here goes, how about the UB Bulls? Are they safe foder? Dont want to annoy now.
Cousin K, I love Atlanta! If you think of it, could you pick up a shot glass for me? You see I collect shot glasses! Then well, the rest is history.
You see there is this new show on the WB called Beauty and the Geek, and all "my" guys tried out for the show. I was extremely jealous. But, I will get over it in due time. Well, that's where the shot glass comes into play.
Wow, so much to respond to. Where do I begin?
Atlanta? Homo? Albany? Michigan? UB Bulls? Adam? New Semester? Geeks?
There I'm done. Welcome back Michigan, where have you been? Fargo's nice, she won't bite. She not into that.
Adam, it's all about the blog hits.
Bourbon Swillin' KDH in Hotlanta!!!
Sweet!
Gotta go Sandra's comin' down the stairs. Hope you have enough material for your paper, Jimmy? If not, write really BIG.
Whew! That was close. I had to switch over to a porn site so she didn't think I was here bloggin'.
LOL!! Jff!!!
Cousin K, maybe you could help Jimmy out and do a new blog this weekend of your excursion to ATLANTA!
Where is everyone tonight??
I'm just celebrating the fact that Theo's back with the sox. now if we can just find a CF and a SS, we'll be all set to hit spring training.
Just heard aboout the Theo news, congrats Adam. You left out a few letters though, you also need a CL, LHRP, SP, 1B, & 3B. Good luck.
i havent posted in awhile. i have been busy getting ready for baseball to start and reading and writing. kdh, my paper is not even close to being done. i came to school early today to work on it because my computer crashed yesterday. anyone intrested in working on that paper for me now. ya then someone pulled the fire alarm. what a day oh what a day.
NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG
OH WELL YOU GET THE POINT
Jimmy, Was it you that pulled the fire alarm? I remember when I used to have to handwrite for my teachers! Put the pen to the paper Jimmy!
New Blog !!!
Jnna, they're (our anonymous fans)calling for us. Adam? Can you do a Theo blog? What about a blog about pointy sticks? Or bananas???
Fargo, ND : Mike, love the chats! Please explain to me why Sidney Crosby has an A on his sweater??? I understand he is a great player with the potential for the C on most teams, but is this the right time?
Mike Brehm: He seems to be speaking up a lot on how the team is playing and challenging the team to play better. That's a sign of leadership.
I found this on Thursday's hockey chat on USAToday; Fargo, you're not on other chat sites are you?
Well...once again Jff was bloggin when we (his family) could have used A LITTLE HELP!! Dog got loose...strange but true we were outside riding bikes etc. (Yes... in Buffalo!) and the dog got away from us...down the street...almost hit by a car...Z and mom and dog COVERED with mud...E yelling for help from dad ...and dad...well...dad was BLOGGIN! If that doesn't tell ya something Jimmy I don't know what will!
kdh...must be nice traveling to Atlanta for work...I usually travel to Wisconsin...a real happening place!!! Oh...wait...one time I went to Kansas!
Someone told me that dogs excrete an odor when they are scared...hmmm
the odor's probably just jeff. I'd write another blog, but my last one only got a limited # of hits, so I'm done... I'm taking my ball and going home.
Sandra, in my defense... Nevermind, I got nuttin'.
Adam, you got 60 hits. Come on, we want more kangaroo pictures.
Adam, How about "My Day with Jimmy"?
I'd blog, but I'm camera-less here in Atlanta. Besides, I've got drinking to do.
Priorities. Nice.
so... who is it??? Capers, Juaron or Sherman??? I need info here people!
I wanted Haslett!!! But, Jauron kisses Levy's rear; so it looks like him. If they had a brain they would take Sherman. And rumor has it, Mularkey interviewed for OC in Miami.
It has taken 2 and a half hours to read through all of the new blogs and responses posted in our absence, and that was having a general idea of what was going on,thanks to updates from kdh and adam. There is so much to respond to here that it is rather overwhelming. Where to start?? Emma is a buck and a quarter richer, Zack has had to take over most of the "manly duties" at home in his father's continued absence; Jenna met some new friends, and a very striking group they were. Fargo and Michigan are back on speaking terms; Jimmy is being forced into reading just to defend himself from the attack dogs here; Jillie is slowly but surely drifting into old age with her ever earlier nights; my booze-swilling daughter is cameraless in Atlanta; my petulant son is of a belief that the Red Sox will be saved by the return of Theo; I never saw so many different spellings of Kerryoke; Albany is making "depends cracks"= NOT FUNNY; Auntie B. still holds out hope for the Bills; Mom says that nobody ever tells her nothin; #1 d-in-law and I, having spent 12 consecutive days in the sole company of each other are currently attempting to stay as far apart as possible in a very small home; nephew Jff apparently is busy priming for the day that Monty Python is able to get the IOC to incorporate world-wide hide and seek as an Olympic event,and Sandra has finally come to understand the full impact of those wedding vows she took so many Decembers ago. Auntie P. and I will endeavor to convey the true meaning of our last 12 days in "God's Waiting Room" as soon as we recover from our Orlando to Buffalo flight by way of Midway in Chicago.
Unckie C, that Monty Python Hide-n-Seek sketch was the funniest. Good call.
Okay, tonight we celebrated Sandra's birthday over at the neighbor's house. Just an FYI her birthday is 11/1. Needless to say she had a great time. Me too. I'm feeling ...well not much.
If KDH if off the blog, that means some serious partying is going on. Let's hope she keeps her top on.
What's the over/under on Thrllie coming home tonight?? 2AM ... midnight???... 6AM???
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