When Jenna first created this site, the focus was clear. It was all about greed and what gifts we were all going to get. Days were idyllic. The grad students created academic effluvia, the rest of us were wrapped up in insulting others' favorite teams and trying to figure out the rules of the gift exchange. Then it all came to a halt. Like a Bodine at a NASCAR event, an incident, and an immediate yellow flag. JTPilaf caused an uproar. My sainted mother can only speak of the squirrel and how much he reminds her of Dad. Must be the straw and beer. As the eldest I assume the responsibility of getting to the bottom of this so we can all move on. I first decided to speak with Mustafa- the witness.But he had apparently become the victim of foul play, most likely perpetrated by one of the aggressive Tonawanda public servants. They won't even give him a proper burial!!
A stop at the Red Apple Food Mart brought back old memories. The manager, Earl "Squirts" Howzatt was a member of THS, class of 1961. He was quite a fellow in high school, dominating the yearbood personality page as both "Most Likely to Succeed" and" Best Looking". The years had treated him well. He remembered the night in question and especially remembered the driver of the van laughing maniacally as the incident transpired. Earl said it was much like the Seinfeld "Good Samaritan" episode, as the driver did not come to the elderly victim's aid.Moving on to the home to pick up Mom for lunch, I arrived at Luther Manor to discover the building awaft in the smells of the season. The residents uniformly add either pine scent or bayberry to their various balms and plasters and the aroma is euphoric. Far better than the camphor from the rest of the year. It was on to lunch at Squire's. I had suggested another restaurant, one for which i had a coupon, but Mom insisted that she had a free lunch coming and it would "save me money". As luck would have it, the card was signed today and the NEXT lunch will be free. Good for you Jenna!
Mom's appointment was scheduled for 1:30 and we arrived a bit early to be greeted by one of the highly proficient staff members. Yes Fargoians, that is my sister Sue, the keeper of the gate. Her office prides itself on the care it provides for the patients. Mom was reluctant, but Sue provided encouragement. Isn't that how the "incident" started? With a "push" from Sue?
One final stop and the day was complete. The last time I saw a greeting similar to Mom's reception at Wilson Farm was when Norm walked into Cheers. But I think that the day was well spent. My conclusion is that there was an "incident" of sorts, but, and this is very hard to believe, it seems to have been a bit overblown. I think that we can now give our full attention to the subject at hand, just what are the rules for the gift exchange?
A personal note: This was really, really hard and I have even more respect, if it is possible, for my kids and nieces and nephews who do this "apparently for a living". posted by chuck
45 comments:
Yeah, I'm the first. Great job Columbo!!! You truly have a dizzying intelect. After further review of the suggested squirrel taking a nap in the middle of the road. If you take a closer look, you can plainly see that he was hit by a second car. Yes, a second car was involved.
Absolutely hysterical. Great job.
yay rah dad! excellent job and welcome to the world of high technology... isn't it nice to know that your intellect and humor is now available to the whole world, and not just the class fulls of rugrats you churned out for years on end?
I'm a little concerned about adam's insinuation there -- what do you mean dad was churning out rugrats? Am I going to find out I have a sister in Fargo that I never knew?
Big snowfall cast for tonight -- nearly 3 inches. They were out of toilet paper at the stores -- obviously people wipe more in the snow? I'm hoping for a snow day --mostly because I don't have a backup air freshner to scrape with!
Great job dad! I want another chance at the blogging, please. In going first, I took literally the instructions that I was supposed to document my day. My bourbon and salad diet pale in comparison to Mustafa. I can be funnier next time, I swear!
Were it not for the technical assist that I received from my daughter, I would have been at the computer all night trying to get the damn pictures in. Fortunately my wonderful wife was by my side throughout the task and remained quite patient. Me, much like my father, I was tempted to put my foot through the screen on more than one occasion. No.1 d-in-law is already looking forward to her turn at bat. And, as far as the scratchoffs are concerned, Mom's theory is that you may buy 20, but only one at a specific location. I tried to condense the process. And, Auntie B, I am surprised that you didn't recognize a favorite Jean Shepherd term effluvian--kind of an "offensive outflow"--considering all of the complaining about papers from our grad students.
huh huh huh. mustafa has large testicles. And got run over... twice. Huh huh huh.
Sorry. I think college is actually making me stupider.
Plus, when some sections of the Holtz family (namely the EA ones) try and use big words like effluvian, I need to take the level back down. Big time. Big testicles.
In case there is any doubt~Unkie and I do not work well together~except when it comes to churning out rugrats!
Great job Unkie C!! Yes, Kristen you can be blog again. We love to hear about your day in DC. Our cousin Jff, just got a little out of control there.
And Sissy, I do offer support in your "educational time of need." I told you 100 times that 1+1= 3, you just won't listen to me.
But, just because I would like to follow in my cousin and sisters footsteps; I to have enrolled in school. In fact, I just got my acceptance letter today. It requires me to move out of the house and dorm, but Bucks County School of Beauty here I come!!! It is located in Feasterville, PA.
THE BEST PART OF YOUR BLOG WAS THE STORE THAT THE OLD LADY WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF. THE BIG SIGN BEHING HER IS, 12 PACKS OF BUD 5.99. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS LOCATED? I'M FROM REDHOOK AND THAT IS A GREAT BUY. ROCHESTER? OR BUFFALO? FUNNY BY THE WAY, FUNNY.
When I called to talk to Gram, she wanted to quickly rush me off the phone. But, she did manage to get a few punches in. (She had company, Harry was over trying on his Santa suit).
1. She does not understand why Unkie C wouldn't give her all those scratch offs. "He only gave me two." I could tell she was crying inside.
2. It seems to me that there was an exchange between my cousin and uncle. There is a book and a DVD waiting for me at Lutheran Manor. I am not sure how the exchange took place.
Redhook, wherever that is; all the beer is gone from Wilson Farms. You see there is a party in the community room this weekend. They tend to be a little on the wild side.
Not too many advantages Redhook to being in Buffalo, but cheap beer, and often cheap Canadian beer, is one of them. Jenna to Feasterville, Pa? Things will not be the same. Can we still keep blogging? And yes, I did get the story of the limited invitations to the Christmas party at the home. Mom runs a tough ship; but she also has dreams of a higher calling. I think that the note she posted, signed the management shows her "true stripes". Good luck tomorrow Bets, at least you will get the free lunch. Jill, give us the topic and we will be there for you to provide input for any and all papers. I, in particular, have spent my working life specializing in effluvia.
Unkie has finally stopped being sulky because a complete stranger from Redhook liked his blog and the # of comments is picking up! Maybe I can get him to sleep in his bed tonight instead of next to the computer.
Kristen, is your second attempt at bloggin' like the many times I retook the SAT's? Kenmore, North Tonawanda, Java, etc... I did manage to pick up 15 extra points in East Aurora... hmmm interesting.
Rick called to say...alright...now that I have all of your attention AGAIN...it is LUTHER Manor not LUTHERAN!!! Get it straight! There is NO "an"...hee hee
(So I guess I'm Sdra)
Come on Jff...EVERYONE knows to go to East Aurora for SATs...geez...
greetings from fargo
another hysterical blog. keep up the great work. my family and i just went out and bought our christmas tree. can you believe its right around the corner.
Hey Fargo! We just bought our tree tonight too. A white pine... you can't beat a long needle.
We don't have any artificial tree owners out there, do we? Looks like a green pipe cleaner.
I know Mr. Fix it goes to Home Depot the day they come in and gets one for $20.
WELCOME FARGO!!!! My mother gets so excited when you post. It really makes her day. Anywho US holtz's only get the real stuff!! Since, Christmas only comes once a year.
Unkie C. I am trying to post as many times as I can, so your comments keep on climbing. I am not really going to Beauty School. But, I did enroll at Harvard for the Spring 06 Semester; Beat that Cousin and Sis!!!
I seem to recall a guy that Jill used to talk to, who went to East Aurora. They suddenly stopped talking when the kid was talking about his history teacher and jill said, "shutup that's my uncle."
K, What day would you like to blog?
We need to be the blog of choice again!!!
Just a FYI I made my Christmas card out of construction paper and duct tape.
HI
UNCLE GEORGE will blog as soon as he completes his sudoko puzzle or reads his ESPN magazine from front to back or watches Hogans Hero reruns. So he will see you next Christmas.
All us single ladies out there!!! Just wanted to tell you that it was brought to my attention today at work that if you go to Buffalo Spree.com and blog your worst date story, you have a chance to win a whole bunch of prizes.
I am blogging tonight!!!!!
Cousin K, We need to be the blog of choice. The pressure is on you. Take us home K. Take us home K!!!
For all these comments, santa better leave a nice gift for me under the tree.
My mom lied, we do not have our Christmas Tree!!! Unless the little pine bush outside is our charlie brown tree.
Don't you all think IM's would be much easier!!!??
But what would happen to the Fargoanians-would they become our buddies as well as our fans? I noticed no one is begging me to blog. What am I-chopped liver? (that was for all of our jewish relatives!)
I want everyone to blog!! So, I don't have to!!! Plain and simple! Besides, I can only make fun of gram so much.
Thanks Jenna for "building the numbers". You can use this for part of your resume' when you apply for a network TV job. With all of these returning guests, will there be enough days for everyone. Jenna, we need an updated schedule. What about Jenna? Our creator--without her, we wouldn't exist. When are you coming back again? There must be new stories from "The Manor"
East Aurora has always been easy but there is no river.
Uhhhhh... that takes the fun out of" in a van down by the river".
Blog schedule for the week of the 10th- Christmas:
11- Betsy (But she already told me she was starting a revolution and not doing it)
13- Aunt Patti your up! (I bet you get more posts than Unkie C)
14- Pres Bush
17- Jill
20- Cousin Adam (He picked his day, but I can't tell why. It's guest blogger confidentalty) Please correct that spelling for me
22- Jeff
23- Kristen
24- Mom, Only because she begged and pleaded and slipped me a $20
Sandra, pick your day. Rick and Family Fargo send me some pictures and I will be glad to post them too!
Well Unkie C, your 15 minutes of fame is up. Mom and I have gram duty in the AM. There will be pics of course!
Seriously, does Rick know this website is still up and running??
I also think before we meet on Christmas we need to hear from the newest member of our family, my dad, Rick, Stacey, Emma, Zach (will ya jump in you two, or does dad hog the computer?), and Mr. and Mrs. Fix it; we would all like to hear your version of the "incident"
The 11th? I'll barely know my name after the Bills game. Where is that infamous beer and brat stand again Auntie B? I'll stop by and say "howdy blog".
Thank goodness I'll be in a suite suckin' on chicken fingers and sipping cold Blue. Ahhh... ruffin' it with the rich folk.
BLOGGIN" AT 4:41 AM ??? You're gonnna get all the good blog space.
It's 9AM, should I give Thrillie a call and see how she's doing? I care, I really care.
We now have 4 A.M. postings? Does this mean for the next 2 weeks we are all going to be sitting by our computers waiting for something to happen? And no, we do not have our tree yet. Next Sunday is the annual tree cutting event as all of the Bunts clan trek on out to E.A. and we drive off into the hinterlands to "cut our own". Largely sustained by Schnapps and cans of beer in pockets--try offering same to Thrill this morning--we search for a tree to make Clark Griswold envious. The only problem is to find one to meet Aunt P's primary parameter that it be at its broadest point no more that 18" across at its widest point,while at a height of six and a half feet, kind of an evergreen version of Sonny White, rest his soul.Looks like the Fargos jumped out between blizzards to grab a tree. Good for you guys. A bit "brisk" out there this week huh?, even by North Dakota standards. I have heard rumors that Mr. Fixit has been doing some serious shopping for this event
Sorry, didn't get a chance to edit last entry, hence the double reference to width of said tree. Adam called and asked me to do a google search for "cut your own" tree places in eastern Mass. Seems that Amy, who has been uninvolved in the blogging, also does not "get" the concept of stalking that perfect tree and then cutting it down. And how does Jff get to go to the stadium in luxury,while my poor sister is out in the elements? Life is unfair! Looking forward to today's shopping report.
http://www.starz.com/features/christmasstory/
In case any one is interested in seeing the 30 second bunny version of "The Christmas Story", just copy and paste the above link//url.
Kristen???
Ahhh the Griswal family tree cuttin'.. I hear it resembles "bait and shoot" tactics. For years Mr. Fixit drove us 4 hours south to find the "perfect tree" and now he sleeps out the night before the trees arrive at Home Depot. So... some things never change.
I think I still remember what Uncle George looks like(snot is running down his nose- Jethro Tull)... he''ll be the one without the white collar...right?
Ahhh... Jill, after clubbin' drool, hardening like stalactite in a cave. Ahhh, to be young again.
I'm not sure were the suite is at. But I'll remember 329, that's my cruisin' weight.
I too was up at 4 am taking care of my sister. I was so concerned, so concerned. Jeff she would have welcomed a 7 am call from you. Unkie C must be so proud his comments are up. I hear Jill trying to make a witty comment in her room, or that might be her puking her beer. I tried getting a hold of Gram this morning, but apparently she has been waiting in the lobby since 8 am.
Got to go. I have the camera.
Unkie injured his ankle when he was running in 5" heels also. It MUST be the Holtz genes-but I thought it was supposed to skip a generation. Unkie scaled back to 3" heels and has been fine since!
here is the diffence between me and my beloved cousin Jill. She's out blowing off some steam, living the student life, while I'm at home working on an online survey for some stupid research class at 2am. Just for you Jill, I'm gonna get clobbered tonight. Wait. Its gotta be cocktail hour somewhere in the world... Amy! get the tequila and some shot glasses! I'm livin' the highlife. starting right now.... drunk posts are ALWAYS the best...
so THAT's how he got such nice legs!
I have never gone beyond a 3" heel, despite what my wife may have believed to be true. Bunts' are all vertically challenged and have a very poor sense of actual size.
All as I can say~It's in Unkie's best interest that 3" looks like 5" to me!
Stop that line of talk NOW!!! I am your son, and as I've said before, your comments have already put me into therapy.
I love tallk that. It keeps me young at heart.
oh i love you people! I just checked the blog quick for 3 minutes on my way to get ready for the social event of the year -- the Danya holiday party -- and it took me nearly 10 minutes to get through all the posts. Dad, I think you're in the lead with 53! Of coures, Thrillys mishaps last night gave us a lot of fodder -- glad to hear you're running in heels in the snow, girl. That's one of my signature moves.
The Danya holiday event should be quite the time -- our theme is "cultural attire" and at a loss, I had to rent a St. Pauli girl costume as a shout-out to my Polish/German heritage -- should cause quite a stir. My only goal for tonight is to not get in professional trouble, so I may stay sober (ACK!). Given the behavior of previous VPs, I think as long as I keep my top on, don't do tequila shots from a coffee and avoid heckling the President, I should be fine. Until I try to get myself home from the event -- the venue is in the DC equivalent of the Harlem. Guess Danya isn't as solvent as we'd like.
Wish me luck, family -- and jill -- let's party when I'm home over the holiday!
As I sit here and ponder what I am going to write, I felt that I had to comment on the last comment my dear cousin K left.
Cousin K, I will speak for all of us when I say you need to devote more than 3 minutes to this blog on a daily basis. You really could miss out on a few things.
Secondly, I was rather hurt that you only invited my sister out drinking, when I could drink her under the table anytime. (Jill if you try and refute that statement I will delete your comment) :)
Now to put my thinking cap on!!
Ahhhh... I remember one year when I went as Miss Black Velvet. Let me tell you what causes a stir in the Not-for-Profit Community. Managers dressed up like cocktail waitesses showing off their North-European man hair. Let's just say I haven't been invited back to the CEO's monthly breakfast in awhile. But, I did end up with a few phone numbers and the respect of few Englishmen.
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